


Where to, then, sir?

by norvegianwood



Series: After the Rain [1]
Category: Broadchurch
Genre: F/M, Post S02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-21
Updated: 2016-08-21
Packaged: 2018-08-10 03:30:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7828804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/norvegianwood/pseuds/norvegianwood
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Now that Sandbrook is finally solved, how is Alec Hardy coping with his new life?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [alectheta](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alectheta/gifts).



Fat raindrops splashed on the windowpane, like slimy stolid creatures pressing to enter. The poplar on the street was just a darker spot against the black night. Yet, it was the only sure evidence that he was still in his old neighborhood, and not on the top of a lighthouse, with only miles of sea in front of him.

It's just a power cut, he told himself. That's why the street is so dark. But the houses, the parked cars, the dogs sleeping in their kennels, are still there.

Daisy was safe at Molly's house, they were probably eating pizza right now. Maybe drinking a beer, but she was sixteen and - considering what she had gone through during the past two years - she was holding on fine. Her grades were still good, and she hadn't come back home with a tattoo or a baby yet.

She was still barely speaking to her mother, but Alec kept telling himself she would come around soon.

Tess. Something cold tugged at the pit of his stomach. Traffic fatalities tripled during poor weather conditions. Rain decreased visibility and created slick surfaces, mixing with oil, gas, and other debris on the roadway surface. Snapshots of cars curled around tree trunks popped up in his mind, steam raising from twisted hoods, blinking ambulance lights, pale limbs.

_How many hours had she already been awake?_

He knew they were giving her night shifts, using the new agent to fill the gaps the older officers couldn’t or didn't want to fill.

_She's a good driver._

He tried to contact her, but his call went to voicemail. He imagined her phone blinking inside her coat pocket.

_Or in a hospital plastic bag._

Alec went to the dark kitchen and poured himself a glass of water. He was being irrational. Even in good weather the trip from Sheffield didn't take less than four hours, which meant she wasn't even a hour late.

_Still, she could answer the bloody phone._

That situation was so tiring. He needed boundaries and schedules to hold on to, but now all his touchstones seemed to be gone. He was living in his old house, but he no longer knew how to function there. Who was he? A single father? An ex-husband? Then why was he waiting for his wife to come back home for the weekend? And why was he on the verge of panic due to a small delay? Did he feel guilty towards his family? Or was it  just the remainder of his love? The neon over the stove flickered for a few moments and then went dark again.

He sat on the sofa, elbows on his knees and hands dangling between his legs. He didn’t know what to do, so he remembered. The first night after they’d moved into this house they had been without electricity as well. There had been a last-minute problem with the electrical system, but they were so eager to start their new life that they hadn’t minded. They had loaded what was left in their old flat into the car, buckled baby Daisy into her car seat, and stopped at a Sainsbury’s for candles, chicken salad and wine. Tess had insisted that they ate on the floor. He had never had a better chicken salad afterwards.

Now, fifteen years later, the ceiling of that same room had mould stains, and the windows let wind drafts through.

The phone rang. He saw the caller ID and drew a breath. "Why don't you answer your bloody phone? I've been trying to call you for ages."

"I was driving. Is everything ok?"

"Yeah. Where are you?"

"Just outside Gaydone. Listen, do you know where the jack is?"

"The car jack?"

"No, Jack Nicholson. Of course the car jack. I have a flat tire and can’t find it."

Alec pinched the bridge of his nose. "Did you pull off the road?"

A car honked in the distance. "Yes I did. Alec, do you know where the thing is or not?"

"Do you have a spare tire?"

He could feel her roll her eyes. "Yes."

"Ok then, turn on the four-way flashers and don't move. I'll be there in half an hour."

"What? NO! I don't need-"

He hung up and put his coat on.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Finding her wasn't hard. Tess had parked right next to the exit ramp, and the hazard lights were flashing. One of the rear tires was sticking flat to the wet concrete.

Alec pulled over in front of her and hurried outside, holding the jack and a flashlight and squinting as cold wind slapped raindrops on his face. He opened the door and sat on the passenger seat.

Water was dripping down Tess' hair, and she was wearing a very yellow visibility vest. She also looked pissed. "What are you doing with your jack?"

"Had to bring it ‘cause this car doesn’t have one. What were you doing outside anyway? It's dangerous, even with the... protection on." He gestured toward her vest, trying to keep his eyes focused on her face. "And you're all wet."

Tess raised an eyebrow.

_Damnit._

"Well, you'll need to wear protection as well. If you want to use your own jack, I mean." Her smile was coy.  
  
 “We both know you don’t want that,” Alec sniped.

“The difference between what one wants and what one needs is often subtle.” She sighed. "You could have told me on the phone though, I would've stopped searching for it."

He stared at her without blinking.

Tess  held his gaze, then shook her head and her features softened in a real, if small, smile. "Let's change this tire?"

He nodded, and they got out of the car.

Alec had to raise his voice over the pouring rain. "We need something to block the opposite tire! A rock, or something heavy enough."

"I know. Alec, I know how to change a tire."

"Of course you do."

She sighed and nodded towards the wheel chock already placed under the diagonally opposed wheel.

_Bloody woman._

"Ok, great." He squatted and put the jack under the frame. A few seconds after he started pumping, the plastic around the bottom of the car frame cracked. Alec cursed.

He felt Tess crouch beside him, and the back of her head invaded his visual field. She brought the usual smell of lemongrass and ginger with her that always made him think of summer.

She put her finger on a semi-invisible mark just behind the wheel, and pointed the flashlight there. "I think this little notch here, it's to put the jack?"

He slid the jack there and tried to lift the car again. It worked just fine. Tess handed him the flashlight and left his side. A few moments later, he heard the trunk get shut and saw her rolling the spare tire toward him, a lug wrench under her arm.

"Ta."

She leant the tire against the car and resumed her place at his side.

Alec managed to pry off the hubcap and started to loosen the nuts with the wrench. Raindrops crept under the collar of his shirt, making him shudder. One of the bolts refused to move, and he leaned onto the wrench with the whole weight of his body. The bastard eventually broke free, but the sudden yielding made him scratch his wrist against the tire. He hissed in pain, and the nut slid out of his fingers and disappeared along the shoulder of the road. He cursed again.

"You ok?"

"We lost the damn thing. We'll have to leave the car here and come back tomorrow." He had failed once again, and that burned more than his wounded wrist.

"No, we won't. You finish here, I'll go find the bloody nut." Tess balanced the flashlight against the car so that its cone of light still hit Alec's workspace and scrambled down the slope.

"You won't see anyth..," he trailed off as he saw the small light of her phone flicker below him.

Alec resumed his work. Now, after rush hour, the cars passing by became more and more sparse, while the beating rain turned into a dirty sleet. His fingers started to get numb, but he somehow managed to change the tire. Tired and cold, he realized he had lost track of time. He had to help Tess with the missing piece. Ale stood to reach her, but was startled to find her already beside him. She raised an eyebrow and crouched in front of the new tire, holding the shining nut.

“Tess, let me do that,” he scowled.

Tess ignored him. She put the piece of iron on the empty socket, and started to turn it by hand. After a short while her fingers began to slide on the wet and greasy surface, so he handed her the wrench. It took Tess a couple of tries to position it right, but eventually she managed to tighten the nut.

Alec lowered the car to the ground and removed the jack. He was exhausted.

“Good job.” Tess put her palm up and he high fived her, as they used to do when they started working together. _A lifetime ago._

They looked at each other and she smiled, but even in the dim light, he saw that the smile never reached her eyes. They put the tools and the flat tire back, and headed home in their separate cars.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Their street was still dark. Alec waited for Tess to park in her usual spot and helped her with the dozens of bags she always carried with her.

“There’s a blackout,” he explained as she piled stuff in his arms.

“Is Daisy already home?”

“She’s staying at Molly’s tonight. Movie Night, or something like that.”

They had entered the house, and she was a darker silhouette against the window, just like the poplar outside.

“I’m sorry,” he felt compelled to add. He knew he should have told her, because it was for their daughter that she commuted from Yorkshire, but Daisy had warned him only two hours earlier.

Tess went to the kitchen and put the kettle on the stove. He followed her. She had brought the flashlight with her, and a moment later a beam of yellow light bathed the room.

“That’s ok, as long as it’s Molly and not George.”

“Who’s George?”

“Oh, just a college student she met at the gym.”

Alec felt his palms getting sweaty. “Are you bloody kidding? Why didn’t you tell me? I’d have checked better, for Christ's sake!”

Tess smiled, then rubbed her eyes. “I _am_ kidding, Alec.Tea?”

He looked at her with his hands on his hips, and didn’t move when she handed him his tea.

Tess’ eyes bore into his. Dark curls were plastered to her brow, and the dim light accented lines on her face that weren’t there two years before. Yet, the sparkle in her eyes was the same that had drawn him towards her like a moth to a flame the first time he saw her so long ago. Sharp, bold, inquisitive. After a while she just sighed, took the lamp with her and dragged her bags to the spare room.

After Sandbrook had been solved, Tess had had to withstand a disciplinary procedure that had forced her to transfer to South Yorkshire and had stripped her of her Sergeant ranks. Now she was a Detective Constable at Sheffield North Constabulary, driving back home for four hours every Friday night.

“I want to be around in case Daisy needs me,” she had told him the very day her sentence was read, in a tone that didn't leave room for discussion. That same day Alec was restored to active duty with a verbal warning and Dave Thompson got away with a written warning. Dave said he didn’t know that the bagged evidence had been handed to Tess when he had agreed to leave the vehicle with her. The force needed a scapegoat for its poor handling of Sandbrook, and Tess had been used to state an example.

She had listened to the sentence without batting an eyelash, and even afterwards her only request to him had been to get to sleep in the spare room during the weekends. Given Daisy's fierce resentment towards her mother, Alec had thought that that was a dumb idea, but he hadn’t had the heart to refuse Tess her wish.

Daisy hadn’t done much to ease the tension. She kept ignoring her mother and spending as much time as she could away from home. So often it was just the two of them, forced to share a space that had turned into a no man's land. Alec had the impression that Tess was doing her best to avoid cracking the eggshells she was walking on, but her forced smiles, and her new willingness to ignore Daisy’s snarky remarks, made him sad and uncomfortable.

Upstairs, the shower was running. Alec climbed to what had once been their bedroom to get rid of his sodden trousers and shirt. Half naked, he cursed under his breath when he realized he had forgotten about the open door and kicked it shut. Why was he so angry? He put his pajamas trousers on and sat on the bed. A slice of light appeared from under the door.

“Power’s back!” Tess shouted from the bathroom.

He nodded and closed his eyes. That way, he could pretend that the familiar sounds of bare feet on the carpeted stairwell and of plastic bags being emptied belonged to the past. That in a short while, Daisy would be back from school, and the three of them would gather around the kitchen table.

A knock on the door brought him back to the present.

“Alec, I’m going to bed.”

“Yeah, good night.”

There was a beat of silence, but he could still feel her out there.

“Can I come in for a second?”

He stood and opened the door. Tess had changed into a pink and gray combo of baggy pants and a sweatshirt. Her hair was down and her skin was still reddish from the hot water. She smelled of soap.

“Power is back,” she said again in a whisper.

He shrugged and turned the light on.

“How is your wrist?”

They both looked at the bruised back of his right hand. There were reddish marks where he had scratched it against the tire, but nothing more.

“It’s ok. Was just a bump.”

“Good. Hey, thank you for the help.” She mimicked the jack pumping.

He smiled despite himself. “You’re welcome.”

“Sleep well Alec.”

“G’night. See ya tomorrow.”

He watched her back disappear into the guest room, and went to his own bed. Before he drifted to sleep, he realized he hadn’t asked her if she had eaten anything.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

The room was bathed in a dull sluggish grayness; the same hue as the rectangle of sky he could see from his bed. He checked his phone clock; he had overslept.

Why was everything so quiet? Daisy should be back home by now.

Alec dragged his hands over his face and looked at the spotless pillow next to his. He kicked the covers off and padded downstairs.

Tess was sitting at the kitchen island, reading a book. She greeted him good morning without raising her eyes from it. “Coffee’s still warm,” she added after turning a page.

Alec nodded and poured himself a mug of coffee. Tess had put on a knee length dress that he had never seen before, and a white wool cardigan. Her hair was tied in the usual bun, except for the lock she kept curling around her finger.

_Dave Thompson kissing her throat and nibbling at her earlobe, making her gasp, making her forget her book._

Alec felt the images invading his head before he could block them and clenched his mug.

“What?” She was staring at him now, head tilted to one side.

He shook his head and went to retrieve his phone. “I’ll call Daisy. It’s past ten, she has to be back for lunch.”

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Daisy arrived three hours later with a scowl. As they ate the simple lunch that Tess had put together, the only noise in the room was that of tableware and dishes.

“Hey, you know dad saved me yesterday night?” Tess suddenly spluttered.

The girl’s eyebrows raised. “Did he?”

“Yes; I had a flat tire and he came to rescue me under the deluge. Imagine that!”

Daisy put her cutlery down. “Well, that’s awesome. But why didn’t you call Dave?”

Alec felt his throat tighten. “Daisy...”

“I mean mum, I’m sure he would have handled the situation better than dad. Maybe bringing you to a nice, warm hotel. He’s better off than we are, isn’t he? Or does he fancy cheap places?”

Alec stood so quickly that his chair fell over. “Enough!” His hands were tingling, and he was overcome by a sudden urge to leave and just forget what he had just heard.

Daisy didn’t even flinch as she looked straight at him. “Why? Aren’t we supposed to talk openly about what mum did?”

Tess cleared her throat. “We are, Daisy. You are right.”

The girl scoffed. “I do have such a cool mother. So what about your mate Dave Thompson?”

"I didn’t call Dave because I’m no longer in touch with...”

Alec couldn’t push himself to look at Tess, but her voice was barely more than a whisper. “You don’t have to answer this,” he hissed.

Daisy stood, shifting her glare to her mother. “Yeah sorry, dad’s right. Keep on pretending that we’re a happy family, and go ahead and act like Mum of the Year.”

“Dais, I was just trying to...”

“I don’t want to listen to your hypocritical babbling! I don’t want you here! Nobody wants you here, can’t you see that?”

Daisy stormed out and stomped up the stairs to her room, but not before Alec saw the angry tears rolling down her cheeks.  

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

A few moments later another door opened and shut. Out of the corner of his eyes, Alec saw Tess leave the house.

He slouched back into his chair. Daisy’s behaviour didn’t make sense to him. He knew she was having a hard time accepting the truth about their divorce. He was even getting somehow accustomed to his daughter’s cold indifference and snappy remarks, but he was struggling to recognize the girl that had just called her mother a whore. It was as if someone had snatched his sweet girl and replaced her with a savvy and malicious woman. Daisy had always looked up to Tess, and Alec couldn’t count the times he had come back home at night to find her and Tess chattering around that same table. He had felt a bit left out sometimes, but the knowledge that his girls shared such a solid bond had allowed him to go to sleep serenely. Now it seemed that that precious connection had been added to the pile of the things lost forever.

A wind gust rattled the window. He glanced outside and saw Tess leaning against the back fence, arms crossed in front of her. Alec went after her, desperate to leave the stifling silence of the house.

He saw that something was wrong at once. Her breathing was shallow and short, and her cheeks were colorless.

_A panic attack._

“Leave me alone,” she pleaded as he put a hand on her back.

“Take deep and slow breaths.”  

Tess crouched forward with her hands on her knees and tried to do as instructed.

Alec felt the muscles of her back twitch, and drew slow circles with his thumb between her shoulder blades. He was surprised to feel his eyes stinging, but told himself it was the wind.  
  
After a while her breathing slowed down and she straightened her back. “I’m sorry, I know you hate this emotional stuff.” She was shaking, and her eyes were still a bit unfocused.

He put an arm around her shoulders. “Let’s go inside.”

“No. I can’t... I don’t want Daisy…”

“She’s in her room,” he whispered. “Tess, it’s cold. Come on.” He dragged her inside, and after a weak resistance she let him.

“I’m fine,” she muttered as she sat on the sofa, hands clenched in her lap. She looked far from fine, but at least she had regained some colour.

Alec brought her a glass of water and sat beside her. “Has this happened before?”

Tess nodded, still not looking at him. “It’s just stress.”

He wanted to touch her again but didn’t dare, so he cleared his throat instead. “Yeah, but that feels like shit, doesn’t it?”  He remembered the dizziness, the sweaty hands and the almost physical pain hyperventilation brought way too well. He also remembered how empty he had felt after every one of those episodes. _But she’s not really as sick as you were, he told himself. It’s just stress._

_And loneliness, and fear, and humiliation._

“It does,” confirmed her after a long beat of silence. “Alec, I’m leaving.”

“What?”

“I can’t stay here after what happened. I’m not doing Daisy any good with my presence.”

Alec closed his eyes. She didn’t need to tell him, he knew this meant she wasn’t going to come back.

“Would you…” She went to fetch a paper bag from under the table and put it at Alec’s feet. It had a purple ribbon on it. “Would you give her this? I found a pair of Converse I knew she was looking for in Sheffield.”

All Alec could do was nod.

“Good. I better move if I want to avoid rush hour. And… I’m sorry for today.”

“Don’t.”

“Don’t what?”

“Be sorry. Leave.”

“Alec…”

Alec fought to slow his thoughts down so that he could try to voice them. “That’s not what Daisy needs.”

She shook her head.

“No, listen to me. She was wrong saying to you what she did. I love her more than life, but she was wrong. If you leave now, if you let your presence be replaced by a pair of fancy shoes, she’ll think you gave up on her. She’ll believe that she can get away with this kind of behaviour, that she can be mean and rude because her parents are too busy dealing with their sense of guilt to see her.”

Tess had buried her face in her hands. “But if my presence makes her act like that, if she despises me so much…” She looked at him with red-rimmed eyes. “The two of you are better when I’m not here, aren’t you?”

Alec wasn’t able to answer that question. He was still shaken by Daisy’s outburst of anger toward her mother, but the tense silence that filled the house on weekdays didn’t resemble peace either. “Tess, she just learnt that parents can make mistakes. Big mistakes.”

She blinked, and a fat tear rolled down her cheek. She didn’t seem to notice, still staring at him with sad eyes.

Alec fought again to put together the right words. “But love doesn’t need perfection, and good people sometimes stumble and get lost like everyone else. Daisy needs you more than ever, she needs you to understand how…” He leant his head against the back of the sofa, exhausted. “How it’s what comes next that matters.”

“And what comes next?”

“Facing the consequences while trying to get back on one’s feet. That’s what you’re doing, and that’s why Daisy shouldn’t have acted the way she did. But.. but she’s still too young to see this, and needs someone to teach her.”

“You?” She sniffed.

“No. Just as I couldn’t have changed that tire alone yesterday, I can’t do this.”

She bent her head. “I can’t face her right now. I need…”

“I know. Get some rest, take your time, but stay. Please.”

Tess put her left  hand over his and their fingers entwined.

He rubbed her wrist with his thumb, sliding to her palm and her ring finger. She didn’t move, her profile half hidden by locks of dark hair. There were so many things he wanted to ask her, things he needed to know to decide what to do with the rest of his life.

He opened his mouth to speak, then closed it. The winter day was already coming to an end, and a soft, azure glow colored the sky. Someone in the house on the other side of the street turned on a light, and a dog barked at a passing car.

He let her hand go.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part wasn't easy to write, mostly - but not only - because it deals with rather dark stuff like addiction. Yet, I still think this story needed to be told. If anything, to get it out of my system and allow me to move on! :) 
> 
> As always, I'd love to hear your opinion.

 

He called her because the night was too thick and he felt as if he were drowning again.  
  
"Does Daisy smoke?"  
  
"Alec, it's one in the morning. Is this an emergency?"  
  
"I found a pack of Mayfairs in her room."   
  
He heard her groan and move against the bed sheets. "Are you sure it was hers?"  
  
 "It was in her backpack."  Alec stretched on the sofa and watched the shadows cast on the wall by the street lamps.  
  
 "Are you snooping around in her things?"  
  
 "The backpack was open on her bed."  
  
"Well, that’s still snooping."   
  
"Bloody hell Tess, I plead guilty of snooping then. Did you know that she smoked?"  

Tess sighed. “I had suspicions, but only circumstantial evidence. Smell of smoke in her room when I came back from work, windows left open in the bathroom… Not enough to make a formal accusation though.” She was mumbling now, to the point that Alec had trouble grasping her words.  
  
"This is serious, Tess. She’s barely sixteen."  
  
“I know. I’m worried too.”  
  
“Are you coming home this Friday?” After their daughter had called her a slut, Tess’ weekends at home had become infrequent.  
  
There was a beat of silence from the other side of the line. Since he didn't have anything else to say, Alec closed his eyes and waited.  
  
“Probably not, I have a crazy schedule this weekend.”  
  
“Is Dave coming to visit?” He regretted uttering the words the moment they left his mouth.  
  
“God, you are such a…”  
  
Alec flinched and braced for an assault that didn’t come. Her silence was thicker than the stale air in the room.  
  
“I’m sorry,” he muttered. “Not my business.”  
  
“No, you aren’t sorry. What I really don’t understand is why you keep on bugging me if you despise me so much. Don’t you have anyone better to share your sleepless nights with? Is Ellie Miller already fed up with you too?”  
  
“You are Daisy’s mother.”  
  
“Yes. I might not have been blessed with your high morality, but I remind myself of this every bloody day. And I miss her, and I know I failed her…” Her voice trailed off. “You want to know why I’m not coming home next Friday? Because fuel is expensive. I did all the overtime I could, but DC wages are kind of lousy up here. See? That was my big secret, I’m plain old broken.”  
  
Money. He hadn’t thought about money. “Why are you telling me this just now? I could have… We could have split the expenses.”  
  
“Because we are no longer a couple, Alec. I manage to pay child maintenance and rent for myself, but I can't afford many extras. Now if you don’t mind, I would like to go back to sleep.”  
  
Alec heard her draw a deep breath, and a few moments later the line went dead. She had given him the time to reply, and he had not. He waited for anger, his faithful friend, to come and wash away everything else, but even anger was steering away from him that night.  
  
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.  
  
The following days he paid extra attention to what Tess had called circumstantial evidence. There was nothing he could do to check on Daisy when she was at school or out and about with her friends, but when she was home he took every occasion that presented itself to knock at her door and sniff the air in her room. Alec bought her pizza and made up things he needed her help with, but never detected the stale smell of smoke. He even toyed with the idea of asking her point-blank, but he didn’t want to risk straining his relationship with her any further. Eventually, he told himself that all he could do was keeping his eyes and nose open, and managed to relax a bit. There was still the possibility that the pack of fags wasn’t hers, after all.  
  
On Friday night, Tess showed up at his door dragging her usual amount of bags with her. Among the worries over Daisy and a new case at work that was taking up most of his time, he had forgotten that she wasn’t supposed to come that weekend. Alec helped her with her suitcases and let things follow their course, too tired to bring the cigarettes incident up. As always, Daisy spent most of the time away from home, and Tess disappeared all Saturday afternoon for some vague errands, but at least there wasn’t any yelling. He even tried to talk about his job with Tess, sharing with her his suspicions that a small clothing factory could be hiding a business of human trafficking, but she fell asleep on the sofa while he was talking.  
  
Alec missed working with her. Now that he was back at their old office at the Criminal Investigation Department, when something exciting happened, he still couldn’t help scanning the room for her dark curly head. He remembered how, whenever he had come to her with a new piece of evidence or a suspect to interrogate, her eyes had shone with an excited, mischievous light. A part of him had never stopped suspecting that, despite the difference in their ranks, she had always been a beat ahead of him, but that was one of the reasons why he had fallen for her. Now the passionate gleam had gone, replaced by a light snore.  
  
On Sunday Tess approached him. Daisy was upstairs in her room, and she had just finished packing the car for her trip back to Sheffield and having a glass of wine.  
  
“She’s smoking,” She said looking straight at him.  
  
The golden light of the late afternoon wasn’t enough to soften the blow. “How…”  
  
“I had something I needed to buy, and I know that on Saturdays she goes to the mall with her friends. She was there, and she was smoking.”  
  
“Shit.” His baby girl was smoking, polluting her lungs while wasting time at shopping centres with dull teenagers. He wondered where all her projects and dreams had gone; he remembered how just before the Sandbrook shit hit her life, Daisy was writing a book about a time traveling girl. He felt old.  
  
“Yeah.” Tess took a last swig of wine and washed the glass.  
  
He followed her outside and watched her fumbling with the car keys with shaky hands. “What are we going to do?”  
  
She shrugged. “Nothing, I guess. She didn’t share it with either of us, and…”  
  
“So we are going to pretend this is just another thing that never happened? Really?” Alec moved between her and the car door, and put his hands on his hips. Sure, he was worried about Daisy, but there was also something else that was making him uncomfortable. Something he couldn’t put his finger on.  
  
Tess was staring at a point behind him. Since she was shorter than he was, and she wasn’t wearing her beloved heels that day, he couldn’t make out her expression. It took her an unusually long time to respond. Was she silently making fun of him?    
  
When she spoke, her voice was little more than a whisper. “I don’t know, perhaps you should try to talk to her. Take her out to dinner at that Japanese place she loves so much, maybe? Or even to Broadchurch. She kept asking me about Broadchurch and that blue chalet you had there.”  
  
“Did she?”  
  
Tess nodded. “I bet she’d like it there, both the scenery and the people. Spend time with her Alec, and… listen to what she has to say.” She opened her mouth to add something else, but then closed it and dropped her shoulders.  
  
Alec stepped aside and let her enter the car. Broadchurch. Why had she brought up Broadchurch and its people? He was about to ask her, but his words were drowned out by the bark of the engine. Tess waved at him and the car got smaller and smaller until it was swallowed by the mellow evening light.  
  
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.  
  
Kaiten-zush, that’s what it was called. A restaurant with an ugly conveyor belt full of raw fish on tiny plates. You picked a dish, and then another and another, until you were either full or your stomach protested, and then paid according to the amount of empty plates. Alec thought it was just the latest eating fad for bored hipsters, but Daisy seemed to love that place, so he tried his best to feign interest. He had never believed the Fake it Until You Make It crap, but after a while - and a couple glasses of sake - his daughter’s good mood had spread to him, and he found himself jostling with her to grab the best maki rolls.  
  
Daisy picked the cucumber chunks out of her food and put them on Alec’s plate as she used to do when she was younger. She had always hated cucumbers.  
  
When she attacked her dessert, a weird brown ball made with some kind of beans, Alec drank a gulp of cold water and cleared his throat. “Darling, there is something I would like to discuss with you.”  
  
“Don’t tell me that you and mum are getting a divorce,” She said with her mouth full of brown goo.  
  
“Dais, this is serious.”  
  
She swallowed and looked at him.  
  
“Have you started smoking?”  
  
“Why are you asking me this?”    
  
He used the answer he had prepared earlier that day while rehearsing the conversation. It was a small bluff, but he was almost sure he could get away with it.  “I saw you throwing a cigarette butt away while you were coming back from school, a few days ago. I was outside to empty the garbage. Look, I’m not angry, just very worried for your health. That stuff is poison, and if you start smoking at such a young age the consequences can be dire.”  
  
Daisy put her chopsticks down and scoffed. "Oh dad, this is so you. Yes, I have a fag from time to time. Big deal. Everybody else smokes too! And don't tell me you've never tried it yourself."    
  
“Darling…”  
  
“Don’t darling me!” The couple sitting next to her along the sushi highway turned to look at them but Daisy didn’t seem to notice, or if she did she didn’t care enough to lower her voice. “Was all this only a charade to make me confess? The Friendly Dad Pattern? I bet you used it countless times when dealing with stoned kids, didn’t you? Because that’s what others are for you: dull, stupid losers who need to be patronized or saved! You know what? You think you are so smart and wise and above all poor sinners, but you can’t even see what is right in front of you.”  
  
Several customers were staring at them now. Alec stood slowly and put a hand on his daughter’s back. “Come on, let’s get out of here.”  
  
Daisy stiffened, then grabbed her jacket and marched toward the exit with her chin up.  
  
He paid the bill, rubbed his face with his hands, and caught up with her. On the short way home, the smell of dry leaves on the cold November air enveloped them. Daisy walked a few feet ahead of him with her arms crossed in front of her.  
  
Alec clenched his fists and hurried after her. “It wasn’t a charade. I felt happier than I did in a long time tonight, and it makes me sad that it seems I am no longer able to communicate with you. I was just worried about you, but I guess that…”  
  
She sniffed. “What?”  
  
“I don’t know. You changed so much in the last two years, and I guess that I’m just lagging behind.”  
  
“What about mum?”  
  
He was taken aback by the sudden question about Tess. “She loves you too.”  
  
Daisy turned to face him. Her nose was red and her eyes were full of tears. “Yeah, that’s sweet. But have you noticed that she has changed too, lately?”  
  
Alec cursed his slow brain. Was she so upset because of him or because of her mother now? And what the hell about Tess anyway? All he could do was voice his questions. “What’s wrong with Mum?”  
  
They had arrived in front of their building. Daisy started to peel small chunks of paint off their front fence, her brow knitted. “I sometimes hear her rushing to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Last Sunday, when I came back from Drew’s house, I found her alone in the kitchen. It was past midnight, and she was upset to see me. She told me that I had scared her, but it was her that looked like a ghost.”  
  
“What was she doing?”  
  
The girl shrugged. “Said she couldn’t sleep and was having a glass of water.”  
  
"And you don't think that was the truth?"  
  
“She looked and spoke weirdly, dad. And it wasn’t just then. When she’s here, she looks and acts weirdly all the time. Going out without makeup, dropping things… Shit, I can’t believe you haven’t noticed anything, you are a cop! And I shouldn’t be the one to worry about her!”  
  
“Darling…”  
  
“Don’t darling me!” Daisy shouted as she hurried into the house and to her room.  
  
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.  
  
Alec slouched on the sofa. His daughter thought that he was an uptight arsehole who took special pleasure in belittling people. That was the reward he was getting for having taken the blame for Tess’ inconsiderate actions in order to give both her and Daisy a chance at a normal life. Alec knew he had made his own mistakes, but he’d always tried his best, for fuck’s sake. He had given up his job and his reputation to protect his family, and now it was all going to hell nonetheless. Daisy was as angry at him as she was at her mother. Even worse, she was extra angry at him for not having noticed that something was going on with Tess.  
  
He tried to block out his feelings and focus on Daisy’s words, as Tess herself had suggested him to do.  
  
_“Spend time with her Alec, and listen to what she has to say.”_  
  
“I was bloody trying to,” he muttered as he started to pace around the room with his hands on his hips.  
  
Alec believed Daisy and knew that her concern was genuine. Besides, he himself had witnessed Tess doubling over and struggling to breathe after that nasty argument with Daisy just a few weeks before. Tess had dismissed the episode as an anxiety attack, but now he wondered if he hadn’t been too eager to believe her. And yes, thinking back to it, he too had heard her rustling around in the middle of the night, flushing the toilet repeatedly and padding down the stairs.  
  
What if she was ill?  
  
He opened the window and breathed in the cold air. The Becketts, the old couple living in the adjoining house, had already decorated their house for Christmas. Twinkling white lights that looked as cold as stars. The wife, a retired schoolteacher, had lost her hair and was now in a wheelchair. He remembered she used to babysit Daisy when he and Tess were suddenly called to a case, and she never wanted any money in return.  
  
Alec felt he was getting older himself. He was a middle aged sour copper, and the happy exhausting days of Daisy’s early childhood were gone forever. He wondered if Tess felt the same.  
  
The fence surrounding his house, the same Daisy had peeled off the paint of less than a hour before, had once been as white as those Christmas lights. Tess and her had painted it themselves, on a hot summer day many years ago. Alec rested his brow against the windowpane, and the memories came so suddenly and vividly that he felt his throat tighten.  
  
Transparent light seeping through the elm leaves and drawing patterns on the grass. Smell of baby sunscreen and paint. Tess peeling a peach for Daisy. Him getting angry at Tess because she hadn’t sandpapered the wood. Daisy crying and scuttling to hug her mother’s legs.  
  
Alec squeezed his eyes shut and tried to remember why having a sandpapered fence had seemed so important to him. Why had he chosen to get riled up over something so trivial, when he could have tickled his daughter or kissed his wife under the sun? How many other happy days had he spoiled with his bad temper?  
  
_“You think you are so smart and wise and above all poor sinners, but you can’t even see what is right in front of you.”_  
  
Snapshots from the past merged with images of his old fragile neighbour. He slid along the wall and sat on the floor. Was Tess really ill?  
  
The darkness of the living room enveloped him, as he strove to chase away both a lost past and a scary future to focus on the present. Facts, he needed to consider cold facts about Tess.  
  
Anxiety bouts, insomnia, trips to the bathroom, shaking hands.  
  
There was an explanation for all those symptoms, and the possibility hit him like a moth flying against a lighted window. A gust of wind ruffled his hair and made him shudder.  
  
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.  
  
The following days Alec tried to get in touch with her, but Tess’ responses were erratic. His calls went straight to voicemail, and his texts only got vague, delayed replies. She told him that she was extra busy at work, that she had forgotten her phone at home or hadn’t heard it. On Thursday he offered again to contribute to fuel expenses if she felt like coming home, but Tess answered curtly that money wasn’t a problem. How could she have solved her budget issues in the course of two weeks? That weird behaviour only contributed to increase his anxiety.  
  
On Friday, Tess didn’t show up.  
  
Alec had meant to call her and ask if she was coming that night, but then a new development in the case he was working on had needed all his focus, and the day had passed with him barely having the time to go to the loo.  
  
He got home at dusk hoping to see Tess’ car parked in her usual spot, but it was empty.  
  
Daisy came back shortly after, and, with a barely audible Hello in his direction, went straight to her room. She had resumed behaving as if her mother didn’t exist, but Alec could feel Tess’ absence like a void pressing against the house. Where was she in that moment? Was she drifting away from their lives for good? Deep inside, he knew that Tess would never give up on Daisy, no matter what.  
  
Maybe she just didn’t have the money for fuel.  
  
And yet…  
  
He needed to know.  
  
He picked up his phone and started typing.  
  
<What happened to you? I thought you were coming this weekend.>  
  
Too blunt. He deleted the last sentence.  
  
<What happened to you? Daisy and I were expecting to see you tonight, since we haven’t heard from you since last Sunday.>  
  
Too apologetic.  
  
<What happened to you?>  
  
Alec cursed, hit send, and went to put two frozen pizzas in the oven.  
  
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.  
  
The nightmare had left her breathless. She didn't open her eyes because she knew the light was going to hurt her, but tried to grasp as many fragments of reality as she could. It was morning, or at least it was no longer night, since she could see a reddish haze through her eyelids. A sunny day, probably. Saturday morning? She remembered coming back from work the previous night and telling herself that she should pack for her trip back home. After that her memories were patchy to say the least, but Tess had a feeling her suitcase was still under the bed.  
  
She shielded her eyes against the crook of her arm and pried them open. The light was less harsh than she had expected. She tried to swallow, but her throat was parched. Water, she needed water.  
  
As she filled a glass under the tap, the stink of unwashed dishes hit her. She shuffled to the table and sat there with her cheek pressed against the smooth surface. There was a patch of light on the floor, and just above it a strip of dancing dust specks. Tess stretched her arm to grab her bag from the opposite chair and fished her phone out of it.  The movement sent a jolt of pain through the muscles of her back.  
  
She was surprised to find a text. Even with her head full of gravel, she knew that the only one of her contacts who still used SMS was her ex-husband.  
  
<What happened to you?>  
  
Tess smiled despite herself and drank another gulp of water. It was half past two in the afternoon, which meant that she had slept at least for fifteen hours. She had skipped another weekend at home, and this time hadn't even warned Alec or Daisy that she wasn't coming. She knew she owed them an explanation, but thinking about one seemed like an impossible task now.  
  
“I’m sorry,” She said to her mute phone, and her voice sounded like the croaking of a toad. She walked to the shower, eager to change into clean pajamas and head back to bed.    
  
It was much later, when she woke up again and outside the sky was as blue as the sea, that she answered Alec’s message.  
  
<I’ve been away, I’m sorry.>  
  
Tess huddled under the covers and left the phone on the pillow next to hers. She waited for a while for an answer that didn’t come, then drifted back to sleep.  
  
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.  
  
Everybody in the conference room must have noticed it.  
  
Tess closed her eyes and tried to take deep breaths. The stink of bleach brought her a wave of nausea.  
  
She opened the door of the bathroom stall and was relieved to see that she was alone. She looked at her reflection in the mirror, but was tempted to close her eyes again. Her face was bloated. She looked old.  
  
During the evening brief, her hands had been shaking so badly that she had dropped the pen. Twice.  
  
There was no way the others hadn’t noticed. Not that that could worsen her reputation among her new colleagues much. Her backstory was enough to make her the laughingstock of South Yorkshire CID. DC Henchard, who had been demoted and transferred because she had allowed a child murderer to get away while cheating on her husband.  
  
She took a paper towel and pressed it under her eyes to swipe away the smeared mascara. Had she cried? The bloody thing was supposed to be waterproof anyway.  
  
Another officer, a young blonde she remembered vaguely from the Criminal Justice Unit, entered the bathroom and smiled at her. Tess nodded back, straightened her shoulders, and hurried out.  
  
The only positive thing of that day was that her shift was over and she could go home.  
  
On the way back to her apartment, a cold sleet started to fall. The streets were already sporting Christmas decorations. She stopped at a Sainsbury’s and bought a bottle of Sauvignon and one of gin.  
  
In the checkout line she bumped into the young father living in the apartment over hers. He and his wife had two toddlers, and the four of them were very noisy and very happy. Tess knew there was no way she was getting away with a nod, and did her best to look friendly. What was the guy's name again? Steve? Sean? Scott, it was Scott. His smile didn’t falter when she greeted him, so she must have gotten it right. Tess was starting to relax when her stare fell on her cart. It was empty but for two alcoholic beverages. On a Thursday evening. She clenched her jaw and grabbed a packet of chips and a chocolate bar from the stand near the checkout. Her hands were shaking again, but Scott was still chattering about something Noah had done that he seemed to find very amusing. Tess didn't know whether that was the elder boy or the younger one, and she didn't care.  
  
She paid and hurried out before he could tag along. The safety of her apartment was just a few blocks away.  
  
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.  
  
Drinking straight out of the bottle was one of the lines Tess was resolute not to cross. She put the Sauvignon in the fridge and the gin in the pantry, changed into more comfortable sweatpants and a jumper, and took her smeared makeup off.  
  
She stared at the basket of dirty clothes in the bathroom and considered doing some laundry. Maybe later, after dinner. She really needed to eat something tonight. Tess scanned the content of the fridge, trying to ignore the bottle of white wine, and opted for a portion of mashed potatoes that she put into the microwave. She even found a bag of salad, but it looked and smelled mouldy, and according to the date on the bottom, it was at least a week old. The microwave informed her with an excited chirp that her mashed potatoes were ready. Tess put the yellow goo on a plate and uncorked the bottle of Sauvignon. As the first swig of dry and zesty liquid warmed her stomach, the tension between her shoulder blades started to ease. It was so easy. She wasn't getting drunk on purpose, she was only trying to relax a bit after a long day at work. What else could she do alone in that hole of a flat anyway? Her gaze swept over the under-lit kitchenette with its cheap, orange pine furniture and floral curtains.  
  
Someone above her dropped something heavy and squeaked. One of Scott's boys, probably. The harsh noise was followed by some softer scuttling and more excited squeaking. Scott or his wife chasing after the boy. Tess smiled despite herself and filled her glass again. Daisy loved to be chased around too when she was that age. When she was about two, Alec had wrapped every sharp furniture corner within toddler’s height with plumbing foam. He had spent a whole day cutting and securing those soft and hideous corner guards, and it had taken Daisy only a couple of hours to find out how to take them off and happily chew on them. The following day the handmade bumpers were gone, replaced by sleek silicone ones. It was weird how often the most mundane details remained etched in her memory, with so much of what had come before and after them swallowed by time. Like tiny, bright lights flickering in the darkness.  
  
Now Daisy smoked Mayfairs and hated her, while Alec… She couldn’t even bring herself to think of him. Tess shivered and took another swig. The transparent bottle was almost empty, but the feelings and the cold were still there. She looked at the pantry where she had put the gin. She had an early shift the following morning, but it was just half past nine. There was plenty of time to sober up. The shaking hands worried her more, but that only happened when she _didn’t_ drink.  
  
Withdrawal symptoms.  
  
Tess took the bottle of Beefeater and opened it. The Royal Guard dressed in red scowled at her from the label as the familiar smell of pine and berries hit her nostrils. She gulped down half a glass of gin, emptied the rest in the sink, and threw the bottle in the trash label down. The silence was as thick as a shroud; no more cheerful sounds from upstairs. She made a quick trip to the bathroom and snuggled on the sofa under the woolen blanket she had brought from home.  
  
Her daughter deserved someone better than her. Tess remembered suggesting to Alec to bring Daisy to visit Broadchurch. Why had she said that? Her eyelids finally started to feel heavy, and the image of Scott and his boys mingled with that of Ellie Miller and her sons. A young, noisy family. Would Daisy have liked that? Would Alec have?  
  
_If you leave now, she’ll think you gave up on her._  
  
Alec’s words pushed abruptly into her conscience, breaking her alcohol-induced daze.  
  
“Leave me alone,” She muttered as she fought the memories of a recent conversation she’d had with him.  
  
_Daisy needs you more than ever, to understand that love doesn’t need perfection, and that good people sometimes stumble and get lost like everyone else. She needs you to understand that it’s what comes next that matters._  
  
“Oh, fuck off!” Tess sat and kicked the blanket away. Alec was able to make her angry even when he wasn’t around. She buried her face in her hands and felt her temples throbbing against her fingertips.  
  
No way she was giving up on her daughter. Tomorrow, right after work, she would drive home. And she would stay sober.    
  
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.  
  
“Would you like to have a Christmas tree?”  
  
Daisy raised her eyes from her smartphone and looked at him as if he had just announced that he was going to change sex. “Really?”  
Alec put his hands on his hips and shrugged. “Well, the neighbours hung lights outside. Do we still have that hideous plastic tree?” He wasn’t sure why he had brought up the topic. He usually hated festive paraphernalia, but that Friday afternoon he felt the need to do some practical work to stop thinking.  
  
Daisy kept on staring at him.  
  
“Come on. If you help me, it won’t take more than a hour.”  
  
“Is Mum coming home tonight?”  
  
Alec nodded. He had finally managed to have a proper conversation with Tess, who had told him she was leaving right after her morning shift. She had sounded like her old self, but he felt as restless as hell anyway.  
  
“I’ll do it for 10 quid.”  
  
“Darl…”  
  
“Don’t darling me, and I’m joking!” Daisy snorted and walked to the closed under the stairs, from where she dragged a fiber optic tree as tall as her. She plugged it in, and its plastic branches started to shine and change colors quickly.  
  
“Bloody hell, this is even more ugly than the old one.”  
  
“Last Christmas Mum was in her Overcompensating Divorced Parent mood.”  
  
Alec smiled despite himself, and out of the corner of his eye, he saw that Daisy was smiling too.  
  
“Does it need… ornaments? Or is it ok like this?”  
  
“Dad, I honestly think it already has  enough personality.”  
  
“Quite right then. Let’s put it in the living room.”    
  
Daisy helped him to move the sofa and position the tree right in front of the window. “The neighbours will think a spaceship landed in our house.”  
  
They were interrupted by the noise of a car approaching and stopping outside. The air inside the room tensed, and Alec felt his back stiffen in response. He took a couple of steps forward, putting himself between the door and Daisy.  
  
Bags rustled, heels clicked and dropped keys clanged as Tess entered the house. As she bent to pick up the keys, the weekender that she carried over her shoulders slid to the floor.  
  
Alec hurried to help her and was relieved to notice only her usual smell of lemongrass and ginger. He took the weekender as Tess retrieved the keys with shaking hands.  
  
“Too much stuff,” She commented with a smile. “But I brought cake! Red Velvet. They sell it at the bakery near the police station, and apparently its new owner is a pretty famous patissier!” Tess pulled out a fancy paper box tied with a burgundy ribbon from one of her bags.  
  
“They ran out of fiber optic trees?” Daisy enquired with a sneer.  
  
“We just… Err, plugged in the Christmas tree that you bought last year,” Alec hurried to explain, while shooting his daughter a glance in the hope to prevent further snarkiness from her.  
  
Tess looked at the tree and just nodded. “I’ll put this in the fridge,” She said, walking to the kitchen.  
  
Daisy shrugged and strode upstairs. They weren’t starting on the right foot.  
  
Tess was standing in front of the closed fridge with her hands balled up into fists. She still had her black coat on, and between its collar and the bun of her hair Alec could see the fair skin of the nape of her neck. He cleared his throat.  
  
“We can have a slice of it after dinner. Or in a little while with tea maybe?” Her back twitched as if she was gulping down tears, but her voice was steady.  
  
“Let’s take a drive, I need to talk to you.” He grabbed her by the wrist before she had the time to react, and tried to drag her outside. They couldn’t have that conversation in their kitchen, surrounded by memories and ghosts of their old selves.  
  
Yet, Tess’ reaction time was shorter than he had expected. She yanked her hand free and glared at him. “What the…”  
  
“Please, it won’t take long. We need to talk.”  
  
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.  
  
She was sitting straight, her hands clasped in her lap. It was that time of day when darkness falls all of a sudden and swallows the contours of things. Alec felt the need to get away from their neighborhood of lighted windows and white fences and drove to the park on the outskirts of Sandbrook. Since they had never gone there when they were married, that could be a good, neutral ground. He had planned to take a walk, but the park was already closed for the night so all he could do was park at the little lookout nearby. The park was located on top of a hill, and at night you could see the whole town in all its sparkling loveliness. He realized he had just brought his ex-wife to Sandbrook’s most romantic spot, and that the other parked cars were inhabited by snogging couples.  
  
He heard Tess chuckle and didn’t dare to face her. Of course the umpteenth proof of his awkwardness hadn’t escaped her.  
  
When she spoke her voice had a warmth he hadn’t heard in a long time though. “It’s beautiful up here, isn’t it?”  
  
Had she come here with Dave? They had never been here together before, so that sudden sweetness couldn’t be directed at him. Alec realized he was being sidetracked by his own thoughts again. He couldn’t indulge in his petty jealousy. There were more important things to worry about, and it was time to face them.  
  
“Are you drinking?”  
  
Tess’ hand went to the door handle, but she didn’t touch it. After a few moments she she slouched in her seat and dropped her head. “Not today.”  
  
Alec nodded. “That’s why your hands are shaking. Alcohol withdrawal syndrome.” Now that his suspicions had been confirmed, he was feeling strangely calm. At least now he knew what he was dealing with.  
  
She covered her face with her hands and exhaled. “How did you find out?”  
  
“It was Daisy who opened my eyes to it. She told me she was worried about you and I guess I just connected the dots.”  
  
“Oh my God, does she know?”  
  
“No. She just noticed that something was wrong with you, that you weren’t sleeping well, had mood swings and were dropping things. I added to that the erratic texts and calls, the way you sometimes slurred words, that you filled your glass more than once during dinners, and made an educated guess.”  
  
“I never got really drunk when Daisy was around.” Tess was still pressing the heels of her hands to her forehead.  
  
“Then when? And where, Tess? In Sheffield?” If he wanted to help her, he needed to know as many details as possible.  
  
She nodded.  
  
“How much of what? Wine? Something stronger?”  
  
“It started with a couple of glasses of wine after work, to… relax and… fill the silence.”  
  
“And when did it get out of hand?”  
  
She shook her head. “I don’t know. It doesn’t work like that, there isn’t a red light that goes off out of the blue. I wasn’t even aware of the bloody withdrawal symptoms until a few days ago. I wanted…” She took a shuddering breath, “I wanted to come home, and try to be a good mother for Daisy, so I stayed sober. But I still feel like shit.”  
  
“When did you have your last drink?”  
  
“That was yesterday night.”  
  
“So you're still in the middle of withdrawal. I have to ask you this; have you ever gone to work drunk, or driven a car…”  
  
“No, I bloody haven't! I know how long it takes me to get sober. Any more questions?”  
  
He could only stare at her back as she fumbled to get out of the car.  
  
Alec was expecting to have to chase her, but she just leant against the car. He followed her and drank in the beautiful view in front of him. The moon had emerged from its bed of clouds and was now glowing clearly. Below them, a sea of lights flickered in the cold nightly air. Tess was looking in the same direction, her arms crossed in front of her, her straight nose pointed toward the horizon. She blinked, and a tear slid down her cheek.  
  
He buried his hands in his pockets. "I'm sorry, I just want to help. And in order to help, I need to know facts. That's the only way I can do things."  
  
She nodded, still not looking at him.  
  
It was weird to see her so silent and quiet. He had dreaded that conversation, imagining raised voices, snarky comments and words said and then regretted, but he hadn’t prepared himself for that thick, exhausted silence.  
  
_“Listen to what she has to say.”_ Tess’ own words resounded in his mind.  
  
“What are you going to do?”  
  
She answered at once. “Keep on staying sober.”  
  
“That’s a very good plan. You might need… some professional help though. You know what I would have to say to you if you'd been in any situation involving alcohol and had ended up at a police station because of it?”  
  
“Well, this doesn’t look like the CID to me, and I haven’t been in any street fight recently.”  
  
“Recently?”  
  
Tess scoffed. “No shrinks, I don’t need to pay someone to ask me about my distant mother and estranged father. I just need to get my shit together, and I can do that on my own.” She turned to look at him, and her red-rimmed eyes were those of a wounded soldier. “I'll get out of it on my own, and meanwhile I'll stop coming home on weekends. I know Daisy is in good hands, and I will come back to her only when I'll have sobered up for good. Just please, don’t tell her what is happening. She hates me enough already.”  
  
That wasn’t going the way he had planned. She was opening up just to tell him that she was going to leave. There were a lot of things he didn’t know concerning Tess, but he knew he didn’t want to leave her alone when she was so vulnerable. He had experienced loneliness and vulnerability, and that was something he didn’t wish on anybody.  
  
Alec felt blood rush to his face as he stood in front of her. “I want to help you.”  
  
“You don’t have the moral duty to help me.”  
  
“For God’s sake, don’t you think I know that?”  
  
“But?”  
  
Alec swallowed.  
  
“You don’t think I can do it by myself.”  
  
He didn’t need to respond for Tess to understand. Alec braced himself for an outburst that didn’t come.  
  
She just nodded and opened the passenger door. “Can we go home? I’m freezing.”  
  
They drove back in silence. At the first traffic light, Alec turned the heater on, but Tess didn’t seem to notice. Huddled in her coat, she appeared to be lost in her inner world. He knew he had wounded her pride, but what else could he have done? He could see from her symptoms that her addiction, even if still not severe, was real, and he knew that beating an addiction on one’s own was very hard. She had said she had started to drink to fill the silence. The image of a puffy, permanently drunk Kate Gillespie came to his mind, and he gripped the steering wheel harder.  
  
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.  
  
As soon as the temperature inside the car rose, exhaustion washed over Tess without warning. Her hands started feeling warm and her head so heavy she had to lean against the window. She knew she should have said something, but even trite conversation demanded energy she didn't have.  
  
She had failed at everything. Her career was over, she didn't have any friends, her daughter despised her and she was an alcoholic. Yet for some reason what hurt the most was that Alec had to pick up the pieces of her mistakes once again. She had always tried to prove that she could live up to his high standards. Was that why she had always strived to be the best at whatever she did? _Look at me, Alec. I can be a successful officer, a cool mother, and a good lover. Look how smart I am, please._ But he had stopped seeing her a long time ago, and she had refused to accept it. Even during her affair with Dave, a part of her had hoped to get caught in a pathetic attempt to draw his attention.  
  
Outside, the lights of the other cars fended off the night. On the sidewalks, people hurried somewhere; their hands holding bags, kids, or other hands. She couldn’t look at Alec, couldn’t bear to meet his sad, disappointed eyes.  
  
Once they got home she headed upstairs to the guest room, his gaze on her an almost solid presence that she refused to acknowledge. She changed into her old pajamas, switched off the lights and curled up under the sheets. She was shivering, although her hands were still burning. As soon as her cheek touched the cool cotton fabric of the pillowcase, Tess felt her throat start to tighten. The room was dark except for a pale beam of light coming from the street lamp below, and the house was silent. Daisy was at the movies with her friends, and Alec was downstairs. She pressed her face against the pillow, and let the tears come. She cried for everything she had lost, for her mistakes, for her loneliness, and it felt good. After a while her nose got stuffy and her head began to ache, but in a way that was oddly comforting too. That was the way she had always unravelled; on her own and silently. That was how her mother had taught her to function, and she had always been a keen learner. Please, perform, perfect.  
  
Time stopped to matter, and eventually Tess cried herself to sleep.  
  
There was another vivid, agitated nightmare, from which she strove to escape. As dire as reality was, it was still much better than the unsettling oneiric world in which Tess was often plunged. She finally managed to wake with a start and sat up. The silk of the pajamas stuck to her sweaty back and her hands were shaking. What time was it? How long had she slept? Had Daisy come back home? Those simple questions calmed her down. She wasn't in her dingy flat in Sheffield, she was at home. And home meant connections, no matter how complicated and challenging they were. She craved a drink, but as long as she was here, she wasn't left with only her conscience to battle against the cravings. There were Daisy and Alec too, and her getting drunk would affect them as well. Was that was a family was in the end? Shared responsibilities and decisions affecting each other? Was that what was left after the passion and the romantic head-over-heels love was gone?  
  
Tess threw the covers aside and stood, listening. The house was still silent, but she noticed a faint slice of light coming from under her door. She opened it, and saw that the dining room lamp was on. Since Daisy's door was closed, it was improbable that she was downstairs, so it had to be Alec.  
  
The need to escape the cold and clammy solitude of that room was stronger than any rational thoughts about how she could look like in that moment or Alec's willingness to see her, and she followed the pale light. He was sitting on the floor next to the sofa, reading something from a folder. Stacks of paper were piled on the coffee table, together with a few photographs and GIS scans. He was wearing his glasses, and, since his head was bent, the hair hanging into his face that he couldn't seem to push himself to get trimmed hid his expression from her. Tess found she didn't mind this new, scruffier Alec. She just didn't know how to behave around him. She cleared her throat and his head snapped up with a start, as if a fire alarm had blasted waking the whole neighbourhood. Tess couldn't help smiling.  
  
"Sorry, didn't mean to scare you."  
  
"You did not," Answered a flustered Alec. "You are awake."  
  
He had never been a great conversationalist, but she could see that he wasn't really angry or annoyed. "I am. You are too, it seems? It's pretty late, and I saw that Daisy is back."  
  
Alec shrugged.  
  
"Working on your exploited women case?"  
  
"Yeah. It's a mess. Every time I think I have something, I end up hitting a wall. I know the work conditions in that factory are close to slavery, but I can’t prove it." He took his glasses off and pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes.  
  
Tess put a hand on his back, and was surprised to realize how tense it was. She was struck by a sudden idea. "Know what? I think I know what could help."  
  
She went to the kitchen and took the red velvet cake out of the fridge. The cream cheese frosting was still milky white and fluffy, and when she sliced it a whiff of cocoa and vanilla hit her nostrils.  
  
Alec eyed the generous portion on the saucer in front of him with a frown. "Cake is going to help me to solve the case?"  
  
"Glucose boosts cognitive performance and fuels the brain."  
  
"And food colouring is made from petroleum." Alec's fork poked tentatively at the red dough.  
  
Tess sat beside him and tasted her first mouthful. It was sweet, tender and delicious. “There's no petroleum in food. Not deliberately added, anyway. Mineral oil might serve as the raw material to synthesize some of the artificial food colorings though.”  
  
“Seems more or less like the same shit to me.”  
  
She shook her head, too taken by the cheese cream dancing on her taste buds to be really annoyed. “It’s the synthesised and purified colors that are added to the food, not the petroleum. Besides, artificial food dyes are increasingly replaced by naturally colored extracts from certain foods, like beets.” She pointed her little fork at him. “You might well be eating beets, actually.”  
  
Alec’s answer was a raised eyebrow.  
  
“I’ve been watching Food Unwrapped.”  
  
Once she put the plate back on the coffee table, Alec’s silence started to make her nervous. Probably he had been looking at her the whole time with that intent, disapproving look of his again. Eating cake while innocent women were exploited; what a selfish, shallow person she must appear to be in his eyes.    
  
“Would you give these files a look?”  
  
The sudden question snapped her back from her thoughts. “Which files?”  
  
Alec handed her a thick folder. Was he asking for her help on the case? At a loss for words, she took it and stared at its cover. It had the well known blue and yellow logo of  the South Mercia Police on it, and the sense of deja-vu that washed over her was so strong that she had to look away. In the corner near the window, the fiber optic Christmas tree was still blinking like a strobe light.  
  
“That thing is ugly,” She commented more to herself than to him. What was she thinking when she had spent 50 quid on it last year? Maybe she was a shallow and selfish person after all.  
  
“I kind of like it.”  
  
For the second time in less than five minutes, he left her speechless. That plastic, garish tree was probably the most anti-Alec thing Tess could think of. She had already been surprised enough to find it in his dining room that afternoon, and now he even liked it? She stared at him looking at the flashing tree with a weird light in his eyes. Could that be… fondness?  
  
Trying to guess what was going on in his head was a challenge she wasn’t ready to undertake that night, so she took a deep breath and opened the file. After a few awkward moments, Tess realized that, now that the alcohol was out of her system, she felt alert and focused. The case report was thorough and well written; Alec and his team had gathered a lot of information, but, as he had told her, they still lacked a solid proof to incriminate the traffickers. She examined every transcript of the interviews of the exploited women, and noticed how they were all translations from Ukraine or Russian. The language of the transcripts was fragmentary and approximate, and more than once she had to try to extract meaning out of sentences missing verbs or nouns. That made her question how good the interpreter was. A skilled and empathic professional was crucial when dealing with scared women, so that could be one of the reasons why they hadn't managed to get a formal complaint from one of them yet.  
  
When she turned to share her ideas with Alec, she realized two things: the cake was gone and he had fallen asleep. His head was bent backwards on the sofa cushion in a rather inelegant way, and his mouth was slightly open. A stack of documents and reports was scattered on his lap, together with some red crumbles. The night was still long, but the bright colours of the tree made it less dark.  
  
Tess smiled and opened another folder.


End file.
